That Cuddlewagon Witch
by Happy Lilly
Summary: After an unfortunate accident during 'Pet Day', Dib and Zim are in trouble with their evil substitute teacher, Miss Cuddlewagon. Though Miss Cuddlewagon is beautiful and SEEMS nice to begin with, she tries to kill Dib and Zim. Contains a sarcastic narration, the smell of mothballs, and some explosions near the end. Not ZaDR, Cuddlewagon is MINE. Skulduggery Pleasant in epilogue.
1. Miss Cuddlewagon

_**Invader Zim © Jhonen Vasquez**_

_**Cuddlewagon © Me**_

_**Chapter One**_

_**Miss Cuddlewagon  
**_

Once upon a time in the modern world there was a young paranormal investigator named Dib who was convinced that it was entirely up to him to save planet Earth from a remarkably un-fabulous fate.

The remarkably un-fabulous fate involved nine rubber ducks, two rolls of duck-tape, a bridge, nine bicycles, a frying pan, and a retarded robot in a dog-suit. And there's an evil green alien who wished to enslave the human race somewhere in there, but let's not think of that now.

Anyways, one day Dib was walking to Skool with his sister, Gaz, who had purple hair.

Frickin' _purple_.

Another thing about Gaz was that she was the six hundred sixty-sixth reincarnation of the devil him (her?)self, ate lots of pizza and played video games during class. Anyhoo, moving on.

Dib and Gaz walked in silence as they did quite often. And everything was eerily quiet. _Silence_... Then Gaz spoke.

"You know I despise you, right?" she questioned her brother. Dib rolled his eyes but didn't speak. It wasn't the first time she stated that (obvious) fact.

There was more eerie silence. Then Gaz spoke again. "I really wish you'd wear something other than that dumb t-shirt every stinking day," said Gaz.

"Since when were you a fashion critique?" asked Dib. Gaz shrugged. "I suppose since a couple seconds ago. Now shut up or I'll skin you during lunch today."

Meanwhile, the evil green alien and the retarded robot in a dog-suit we discussed early were trying to walk to Skool like 'normal' Earth spawn.

"Hurry up, GIR! We don't have time for you to just laze around all day! I need to keep up with this fake identity so that those _foolish meat-children _don't get their little 'ideas'," barked Zim, glaring at his retarded robot in a dog-suit. GIR, in response, made a gurgling sound as he rolled around on the floor. Somewhere during his silly gurgling, GIR said something along the lines of, "I love you sooo... much!" Zim sighed and began tapping his foot.

Eventually, GIR calmed down enough for Zim to snap a leash on him and drag him out the front door, ignoring his SIR units cries of, "Noooo! My cupcake! I NEED MY CUPCAKE! Cupcaaaake...!" Which were soon silenced, for GIR saw a Pretty Flower and forgot about the cupcake.

Anyways, Zim was walking (as quickly as he could) to Skool, dragging GIR behind him. "Come on, GIR. It's the petty..." Zim searched his memory for what Miss Bitters called January second. "... Bring Your Pathetic Animal To Skool Day, and the witch demanded that I – the almighty Zim! – take a creature to Skool like the other meat-children." GIR blew a raspberry in response.

At that moment, while Zim was glaring a glary glare at GIR instead of looking where he was going, he walked straight into Dib, who was watching Gaz carefully, should she stab him with a knife. Anyhoo, the two toppled to the ground and stared at each other in surprise, which soon turned to a look of pure loathing, while GIR tried to hug Gaz, claiming that she was 'sooo... nice!'.

"Hello, _Zim_. Walking to Skool, are we, _Zim_?" sneered Dib as he picked himself up off the ground, ignoring his sister, who was now chasing GIR with a brick. Zim returned the sneer.

"Why, yes I am, _Dib_. What are you doing here, _Dib_? Shouldn't you be planning my demise, _Dib_?" said Zim in a similar manner. Dib glared.

"Shouldn't you be planning the Earth's demise, _Zim_?" '_Zim_' huffed and went to collect GIR, who had managed to turn the tides and chase Gaz up a tree.

So anyways, in the classroom, Miss Bitters had yet to arrive, so of course everything was bat-outta-Hell crazy. All the puny meat-children were cuddling and playing with their stinky animals, whereas Zim (because he was NOT a puny meat-child) sat moodily at his desk, trying to ignore GIR as the retarded robot made random barking sounds at random children. And Dib (who was a paranormal investigator, NOT a meat-child) sat at HIS desk and glared at the mouse he had taken.

Well, he called it a mouse. Really, he had stayed up late the night before and forgot Bring Your Pathetic Animal To Skool Day, but remembered at the last minute, so he just abducted a Random Squirrel on the way to Skool.

While the Earth spawn was being inhumanly loud, Miss Bitters emerged from Dib's shadow and recited one of the satanic spells she knew to make a blue lightening bolt crash down upon the Random Child, who was kissing his dog. Instantly, everything became silent.

Miss Bitters hissed something in Parseltounge, and floated to her desk. "Now, children," she said, eying her class, "because I have predicted that I shall have the flu tomorrow, Bring Your Pathetic Animal To Skool Day has been hereby postponed until I have recovered from my sickness. So, I find it horrible to introduce your substitute teacher, Miss Cuddlewagon." A young woman with long, curly golden hair, cream-colored skin, and beautiful dark-blue eyes walked into the room, seeming to bring sunshine and happiness with her. She smiled a brilliant smile at the class.

"Um, hi," she said nervously.

Several students gasped at the sheer beauty of her face and voice. Others began crying tears of joy as they imagined her teaching them. Some even began to applaud her.

"Hurray for Miss Cuddlewagon!" cheered those who gasped at her sheer beauty.

"We love Miss Cuddlewagon!" cheered those who began crying at the thought of her teaching them.

"OH, MISS CUDDLEWAGON!" cried those who were applauding her.

"Meh," said Zim, obviously unimpressed by Miss Cuddlewagon, who took note of his lack of enthusiasm.

Dib smirked at Zim from across the room, and began to applaud their substitute as well. Zim didn't like Miss Cuddlewagon, so obviously he wasn't human! Ammunition! His logic was without fail!

"Oh my stars and lucky, lucky bunny-rabbits!" gushed Miss Cuddlewagon as her confidence grew, her voice of sugar, lollipops, and chocolate chip cookies. "This is such a kind welcome! I can't wait to start teaching... which is why I bought this first-class ticket to Hawaii for Miss Bitters, so that she can leave and I can teach!" Miss Cuddlewagon pulled a shiny ticket out of nowhere and shoved it into Miss Bitters hand. Before the teacher could respond, Miss Cuddlewagon shoved the elderly woman out of the classroom. Cheers erupted from the students. Zim simply rolled his eyes at Miss Cuddlewagon, who failed not to notice.

She smiled sweetly at the class, who in turn swooned in delight. Then she said in her amazing voice, "Hello, my dears. I am Elanora Crystal Sunshine Cuddlewagon. I am your substitute teacher for the week. And since today is Bring Your Pathetic Animal To Skool Day – awful name, let's call it 'Pet Day' – we're going to talk about our pets. Who brought kitties?"

Five sweaty, clammy hands shot up into the air. Zim rolled his eyes. Honestly. How could these pathetic Earth children get so excited over a frickin' substitute? She wasn't teaching these rotten bastards at all! She was telling them to make speeches about their silly pets... She didn't even seem that appealing. Yeah, she had noticeably large breasts and her hair was nice, shiny, and soft-looking, and yes, she didn't have and freckles or pimples or moles...

It was then that Zim's negative thoughts about Miss Cuddlewagon were interrupted. He yelped in surprise as Miss Cuddlewagon addressed him, and growled at the collective sniggers that flooded the classroom.

The beautiful substitute cleared her throat in a rather strict manner. "Mister Zim," she said slowly, as if doubting the aliens intelligence, "I asked you: What kind of pet did you bring for Pet Day?" Zim stared at her with his mouth hanging open for a bit, before finding himself, and grabbing GIR from under his desk.

"I brought a... dog, Miss Cuddle-whatever," Zim said holding up GIR for Miss Cuddlewagon and the class to see. Most of them jerked violently in their seats when they saw his 'pet'. Miss Cuddlewagon blinked at GIR, as if confused.

"Well, um, what is his name, Mister Zim?" Miss Cuddlewagon managed.

"GIR."

"What can... Gur do?"

It was then that It happened. It was such a terrifying thing, that whenever It was mentioned, the Earthlings screamed bloody murder and pissed themselves.

IT was SCARY. GIR SPOKE.

"I love you this much!" stated GIR, thrusting his arms out to the sides, as if describing a certain length. Children and Miss Cuddlewagon gasped and GIR began giggling. Zim, who had given GIR a Talk before entering the Skool, swore like a sailor and bonked GIR on the head. "You fool! I told you that speaking was forbidden, dammit! You frickin' asshole! You were supposed to SIT, and ROLL OVER. Like a normal dog, for the love of crap!" screamed Zim, shaking his assigned SIR unit violently. As soon as Zim stopped shaking his companion, GIR burst into retarded robot tears.

"I'm s-sorry, Zim! I d-didn't want to m-makes you all mad! I just w-wanted to tell Miss C-Cuddle-doop that I l-loves her sooo... much!" Zim sputtered dumbly for a moment, before sighing, and speaking stiffly:

"I am sorry, too, GIR. It was... foolish of me to shout at you." Zim squirmed under Miss Cuddlewagon's petrifying squint. Because a lovely lady like Miss Cuddlewagon could _never _glare! Squinting was the most they could do. It just wasn't done.

"Darn right you were, Mister Zim," seethed Miss Cuddlewagon, making several students begin to sob, "You're friend's skill is quite amazing. It's not every day that you come across a talking dog. But not only did you shout and curse, but you showed violence towards Gur, which is beyond forgiveness. You go wait out the rest of the lesson in the hall, and I shall see to your punishment after class. Now shoo!" Miss Cuddlewagon practically shoved Zim out of his chair.

Half way to the door, Miss Cuddlewagon spoke again, "Wait, Mister Zim! You aren't going anywhere with Gur. You might lose your temper again, and we do not want that, do we?" Zim ground his Irken teeth together, and told GIR, who had been following him, to stay with 'Miss Cuddle-something-something'.

The students watched as Zim left the classroom. Miss Cuddlewagon had GIR sit behind her desk. "Now then, sorry for that, my children," said Miss Cuddlewagon, smoothing her skirt and fixing her glorious hair. "Let's continue! Mister... Dib, is it? What kind of pet did you bring?"

Dib, who had been trying desperately to control his victorious giggles the entire time Zim was getting snapped at, straightened his face and looked into Miss Cuddlewagon's amazing, beautiful blue eyes. "I, um, brought my pet mouse," he said, hoping that Miss Cuddlewagon was dim enough to believe that the abducted squirrel was really a mouse. The substitute strode over to Dib's desk and eyed the animal.

"What on Earth is this little cuties name?" she asked.

Dib bit his lower lip. Name? Name, name, name... "Hitler," he blurted, using the first name that came to him. "Adolf Hitler." Many students sniggered at this.

Miss Cuddlewagon tilted her head and smiled warmly. "What kinds of things can Adolf Hitler do?" Before Dib could make something up, the squirrel leaped at Miss Cuddlewagon and grabbed hold of her lovely face. She screamed shrilly.

Meanwhile, in the hall, Zim was giggling uncontrollably.

"GET IT OFF ME!" shrieked Miss Cuddlewagon, trying to pull the demented squirrel off her face. "THERE'S A RAT ON MY FACE! IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!" Countless students, twelve dogs, two ferrets, nine weasels, a pigeon, and two wild hedgehogs rushed to the rescue. The five cats in the classroom rolled their eyes and continued licking themselves.

As the students and hedgehogs pulled the squirrel off of Miss Cuddlewagon's face, Dib stared, horrified, at the substitute and tried to imagine what kind of punishment he'd be getting.

Zim smirked as Dib was pushed violently into the hall and told to sit next to a certain small, green alien.


	2. The Electric Room

_**Invader Zim © Jhonen Vasquez**_

_**Cuddlewagon © Me**_

_**Chapter Two**_

_**The Electric Room  
**_

After class, Miss Cuddlewagon stepped out of the classroom, glaring a magnificent glare at the alien and paranormal investigator. "You two fools shall follow me. Come. Your punishment awaits," she said, her voice barely audible. Zim and Dib shared a fearful glance, but because they were sworn enemies, they quickly hid it with a mask of indifference.

Miss Cuddlewagon led them down a long hallway, not taking them into any of the doors they passed. They passed many teachers on the way. When they were seen, the teachers gazed at Zim and Dib with sympathetic expressions and said in monotone, "_May you see the sun again._" Yeah. Like that wasn't even a little bit unnerving.

Eventually, she took them to a dead end. Dib eyed the blank wall (which was slightly stained with what looked like pee), and then Miss Cuddlewagon. "Um, Miss Cuddlewagon? Have we gotten lost or somethi-"

"Silence, boy!" hissed Miss Cuddlewagon. She pressed her palm against the wall, and hissed something in Parseltounge. The wall seemed to melt away. Zim rolled his eyes. Irkens achieved that _years _ago. "Come, fools. Your punishment is seeking you," said Miss Cuddlewagon. This time Dib and Zim didn't care that they looked equally terrified.

Through the newly-made passageway was a staircase. It smelled like mothballs and mold, and it was cold and quite damp in the passageway. Not to mention remarkably dark. Dib had to pull his shirt over the lower half of his face to keep from gagging.

After walking down what seemed like endless stairs, Miss Cuddlewagon led them to a doorway. To Dib and Zim's relief, there was a crack of light seeping under the door.

Miss Cuddlewagon opened the door...

And they were blasted by the overpowering smell of lavender. Zim started convulsing when the smell hit his nonexistent nose, and Dib really thought that he liked the mold-and-mothballs stench better.

Once the two got over the awful smell, they began to take in their surroundings. It was a well-lit room with a table, three chairs, two beds, a few teddy bears, two screws, and canary-yellow wallpaper, which was peeling off the wall.

Before either of them could ask where they were or what they were doing there, Miss Cuddlewagon shushed them. "This, children," said Miss Cuddlewagon, "is your final resting place. You are to be detantion'ed before you leave this world."

Dib and Zim stared.

"'Detention'ed' meaning 'tortured'," explained Miss Cuddlewagon. Instantly, Dib and Zim shared mortified screams of 'NOOOOOOOOOOO!' before Miss Cuddlewagon pinned them down and gagged them, then tying each of them to a chair.

"Now then," she said, smirking at the now tied and gagged students, "it is time for your torture." Zim grunted, unimpressed by the evil substitutes words (or at least he tried to look unimpressed, but after screaming like that, neither Dib or Miss Cuddlewagon were fooled). She noted the indifferent grunt. Her smirk widened, and she removed Dib and Zim's gags.

"You're detention," She paused dramatically, "will be to have a civilized conversation with each other!" Dib and Zim gasped, mortified by the very idea of having a conversation with one another. Miss Cuddlewagon gave an evil laugh before leaving them to speak to one another. She was halfway through the door before she paused and turned to face them. "Don't you dare think of giving each other the silent treatment," said the evil substitute. "If you don't speak, than you will be electrocuted." She smirked at them and left, closing the door behind her.

They were extremely quiet for a few moment, and Dib was about to speak when...

HE WAS ELECTROCUTED! Dib cried out, and Zim couldn't help but laugh at the pitiful Dib-stink. But then...

HE WAS ELECTROCUTED! Zim cried out as well, almost sobbing when the electric charges came to a close. Dib and Zim shared one quick look before sighing in defeat.

"Hi," said Dib stiffly. He'd never had a civilized conversation with the alien. What would Zim talk about? He half-hoped that Zim would let something slip about his home planet.

"Hello, pitiful Dib-stink," drawled Zim, rolling his eyes, "what do you wish to speak about?" Dib made a somewhat stupid sounding 'duuuh...' before something came to mind. "What's your favorite color?" asked Dib. It was the only thing he could think of.

"Um... puce, I think," said Zim uncertainly. "Yours?"

"Black or blue," said Dib. Zim smirked.

"Would you like to _be_ black and blue?" asked Zim. Dib opened his mouth to answer, but then he was electrocuted by...

"Wait," said Dib with a frown as the electrocution came to a close, "how are we getting electrocuted?" Zim tilted his head in thought. The ropes that bound them to the chairs were anything but significant, but the Cuddle-whatnot witch could have tied wires or something into them... He was then electrocuted again, due to his silence.

When the charges stopped Dib and Zim decided it was safest to think out loud. "The chairs could be electric," suggested Dib. Zim shook his head. "That is impossible. They're made of wood and I scratched the bottom. There are no wires or anything," said the alien.

"Well, let's go back to the ropes, then," said Dib. Zim nodded, but then stopped. "Wait a moment, Dib-human... How do we check?" Dib made a 'uuuhhhh...' sound before going 'ah-ha!' and dragging his chair over to Zim's.

"No! Stay back, filthy Dib-worm!" cried Zim, afraid that the paranormal investigator (not human) would spread some weird kind of germ. "Hold still," ordered Dib. "Zim, can you dig through the ropes and see if there are any wires in the ropes?" Zim stared at him with his mouth hanging open, before coming to his senses and bellowing, "Of course, Dib-filth! I am the almighty _ZIM_!" Dib rolled his eyes and began singing show tunes while Zim tried to dig through the ropes backwards.

"Nothing," Zim said, interrupting Dib's singing. "No wires. Zim is baffled." Dib rolled his eyes, trying not to groan when Zim referred to himself in the third person. It was quite annoying, actually.

Despite their current situation, Zim and Dib managed to curl into little balls in their chairs. After a while, the two noticed that they weren't getting electrocuted, even though they had been extremely quiet.

"That's odd. Why haven't we been-" Dib started, but because interrupting people is fun and Zim just had a brainstorm, the alien cut the paranormal investigator off.

"The floors, Dib-filth! The floors are electric! Electric _goo_! _Scary _electric goo," said Zim, grinning evilly at his discovery. Dib was surprised by this. How had he, a paranormal investigator with a seemingly endless knowledge of science, mathematics, and raw logic, not notice that the floors were electrocuted, and Zim, and small, green alien with an ego four times the size of a blimp, did? It just wasn't done!

"Quick, dim-Dib! Let us scoot our way towards those filthy _human_ doors!" bellowed Zim. Dib grinned, putting Zim's far-from-logical discovery behind him, and followed suit.

When the two reached the door, grinning stupidly at their superiority, they stared at the door, and their grins soon slid off their faces. "Uh, Zim? How do we open the door?" asked Dib, glancing at the door, and then Zim. Door, and then Zim.

Door, Zim.

Door, Zim.

Door, Zim.

"Door! I mean, Zim!" said Dib suddenly, "I've gotta question!"

Zim groaned irritably. "Really, Dib-filth? This is no time for your silly, _human _questions. We have bigger problems at the moment, do we not?" snapped Zim with a glare.

"Do you have talons?" asked Dib, ignoring Zim's irritation. The alien raised a nonexistent eyebrow.

"Talons, you say? Well, I wouldn't call them _talons_, exactly, but my fingers are quite sharp, if that's what you- _Oh_!" Zim said as he realized what Dib was asking.

Zim bounced around his his chair so that the back of his chair was facing the back of Dib's. The two tried to shuffle as close as they could, and Dib felt around, until he found Zim's gloved hand. He then proceeded to pull off the glove.

"Excellent," hissed Zim, and he began clawing at the ropes. A few minutes passed as Zim scratched at the ropes, but eventually they gave away and Zim began untying Dib.

"Remember, dim-Dib, I'm only doing this because it is necessary. No matter how much it displeases me to admit it, your help is required, so don't get all soppy and- OUCH!" Zim said, glaring at Dib, who had smacked Zim the moment his hands were untied.

"Foolish human! Why did you physically assault the mighty Zim?" demanded 'the mighty Zim'.

"Because you referred to yourself in the third person," said Dib, opening the door.

Zim mumbled abuse at Dib before following his up the stairs. They didn't know how far they got when Zim's antennae began picking up a... crumbling noise?


	3. The Illogical escape

_**Invader Zim © Jhonen Vasquez**_

_**Cuddlewagon and Robots © Me**_

_**Chapter Three**_

_**The Illogical Escape**_

"Dib-stink," said Zim, pausing on the stairs, "do you hear that?" Dib rolled his eyes. "Hear what, Zim? This place is silent as a grave," said Dib, irritated by the alien.

Zim's antennae twitched under his wig and he began following Dib again.

While Dib and Zim were walking, the crumbling noise Zim had heard grew louder. Eventually, Dib heard it too. "Zim..." began Dib, but that was as far as he got, for that was when the stairs in front of him exploded and a giant, fat, drill appeared through the steps. Dib yelped, not because of the drill, but because Zim screamed and his scream was much shriller than anything a girl could managed. _Then _Dib yelped because of the drill.

Zim began scurrying back down the staircase, but Dib grabbed him by the aliens ankle and the green menace tripped. His wig flew off his head and Zim gasped in objection.

If Dib was going to die, Zim was going to die with him.

The drill had fully emerged from the stairs and turned out to be a car-like vehicle with a drill attached to the front. Driving the machine from Hell was... the evil Miss Cuddlewagon (dun-dun-duuun)!

"So," she hissed, no noticing Zim's antennae, because the stairwell was dimly lit and full of rubble, "you made it out of the electric room alive. You are the first in fifty years." Zim smirked at this.

"But," continued Miss Cuddlewagon, "in doing so, you have not only broken a legendary record, forced me to use Mecha-Bob, and deliberately dodged a civilized conversation, but you have pushed me to the point of being royally pissed off! Watch as I destroy you pets!" Zim's smirk slipped off his face.

Two thin, metal arms erupted out of Mecha-Bob (the drill-vehicle-thing), each holding a cage. In one cage, Dib's mouse (read: squirrel), Adolf Hitler, sat sobbing its Hitler eyes out. In the other, GIR was spinning in circles and singing 'Once Upon a Dream' from the 'Sleeping Beauty' soundtrack. Dib was unfazed. He'd just snatched the squirrel on a whim on his way to Skool, but Zim was staring at GIR, his mouth hanging open in horror.

"No! You will not destroy GIR! If he is gone, then who shall guard my base- er- house while I am out doing normal... human-y stuff?" Zim said once he found himself. Miss Cuddlewagon cackled evilly.

"Oh," smirked the evil substitute. Another metal arm came out of Mecha-Bob. It was wielding a laser-gun. "Watch me!" boomed Miss Cuddlewagon. "Watch as I bring your precious Gur to his DOOM!" Dib gasped, horrified by the very mention of 'DOOM'. It was Zim's favorite word, and the mention of it made the alien tilt his head in thought.

"No!" said Zim as the laser-gun neared GIR, who had started rolling on the floor of his cage and humming show tunes. "No one is allowed to be GIR's DOOM but me!" His metal spider legs shot out of his Pak and he rush towards Mecha-Bob.

But then...(suspense)... Miss Cuddlewagon pulled a leaver that was inside Mecha-Bob and some strange gas started oozing out of the machine! When it reached Zim's nonexistent nose, his eyes drooped, and his slipped out of consciousness. Worry gnawed at Dib's stomach, and he did the only logical thing he could think of.

He ran as fast as he could down the staircase. He ran fine for a bit, managing to outrun the gas, but then he tripped over a stray bit of rubble and toppled down the rest of the way.

When he reached the bottom, his nose was blasted by the wretched smell of lavender. After his fall, his mind was blurry and he couldn't think straight, and the lavender made it worse. He began coughing, and soon he wound up throwing up.

Then the gas from Mecha-Bob hit him, and he was out cold almost instantly.

It must have been hours – possibly days – before Dib finally woke up. His mind was blurry and his vision even more so. He blinked, but his vision didn't clear, so he assumed that someone had taken his glasses. He was lying on a bed with white sheets, which went up to his neck, so he couldn't see his body. He moaned because of a painful pounding in his head and looked to the right.

There was a white curtain or something – hard to tell without his glasses – that must have blocked off another bed. Dib tried to sit up.

...(suspense)... HE FAILED! Dib tried to lift his arm. Oh, shit... He was held down by something cold, circular, and metal. He moaned loudly, incapable of speech.

Somewhere to his left he heard a door creak open. He manged to smile at this, but then he saw something that drowned his stomach in horror.

Though his vision was blurrier than a moving, photographed belly-dancer, they were so large that they were unmistakeable. And because they were large and squishy-looking, Did recognized them immediately.

"Cuddlewagon," he manged, recognizing the evil woman by her breasts. She cackled evilly. "Little Dib," she snarled. "How nice of you to regain consciousness. Now I shall destroy you!" Dib glared at her.

"Your breasts- Sorry, I meant threats- Your threats are useless against my iron will!" Dib claimed, his voice hoarse but strong. Miss Cuddlewagon smirked, and shoved something onto Dib's face. His glasses. "Thank you," he said politely, without thinking.

"Your welcome," replied Miss Cuddlewagon, before going back to evil-teacher mode. "You will die here," she stated evilly. Dib laughed in her face. "Hahaha! You are a fool to think so!" claimed Dib, his tone confident, but inside he was dreading what came next.

What came next was horrible.

What came next scarred Dib for life.

It would scar _anyone _for life.

It was so full of horror and the raw desire to mutilate Dib's mind from the inside-out, that it was nearly imploding upon itself with sheer evilness.

For behind the curtain to Dib's right... (suspense)... SOMEONE GRUNTED. (dun-dun-duun!) Dib shrieked in raw terror at the noise, and the white sheets around his lower half turned damp and yellow. He blushed at the damp spot, ashamed of himself.

"Oh my," said Miss Cuddlewagon, walking over to the curtains. "Whoever could that be?" She strode over to the curtains, grabbed the hem, paused dramatically... and with one swift motion, she pulled the curtain away to reveal... (oh, I cannot stand this suspense!)... THE IRKEN INVADER ZIM! (oh-noes!)

Zim moaned and tried to turn over, but he, like Dib, was tied to his bed. Miss Cuddlewagon cackled. "If only you could see the look on your face," she sneered. "But no matter." She shook her head. "I will deal with you and you're little insolent ideas shortly. Until then, I will have Mecha-Dana keep an eye on you...or eight." With an evil laugh, Miss Cuddlewagon left Zim and Dib's new prison. After Dib heard a door close, whatever was restraining he and Zim disappeared. But Dib was too mad a Zim to be grateful for that.

Dib glared the the still half-asleep Zim. "Look at where you got us, Zim. If you hadn't been such a jerk to your robot-dog thing, we wouldn't be here," Dib said, not entirely sure that the alien could hear him.

Apparently, Zim could hear Dib. "Dib-stink, before you complain further, I – Zim – think I shall remind you that if it weren't for Adolf being so... squirrelish, YOU wouldn't be here either," Zim snapped, his voice a bit slurred.

Dib opened his mouth to give a sarcastic retort, but his words died in his throat when he heard a... tapping noise somewhere overhead. He turned away from Zim, looked at the ceiling, and let his mouth fall open in a silent scream.

On the ceiling was a giant, robot-spider, that had laser guns mounted on its back.

Ho-lee sheit, am I right?

The robot-spider crawled down to the floor, guns aimed at the alien and paranormal investigator. A hatch in the robot-spider's back opened, and a holographic copy of Miss Cuddlewagon's head came from the hatch. She was smirking.

"_Well, well, well," _said Miss Cuddlewagon. "_I see you've been acquainted with my dear little lovely, Mecha-Dana. Say hello, Mecha-Dana." _The robot-spider, Mecha-Dana, hissed ominously at the duo. Miss Cuddlewagon giggled.

"_Well, now that we're all introduced and I'm out of the room, I suppose it's time to tell you what's going to happen to you two brats._

"_You see the walls around you?" _Zim and Dib eyed the gray walls for a few seconds. They were too tiny for any kind of human's eyes to see. They were... microscopic. Almost invisible. But they were there. Zim could see them, plain as day.

"You've padded the walls with microscopic bombs!" boomed Zim, glaring accusingly at Miss Cuddlewagon's hologram. Said hologram cackled.

"_Oh, Zim! You have such nice eyes! _I _couldn't even see them, and I'm the one who made them!"_

"Bombs?" echoed Dib, fear etched deeply into his features. Miss Cuddlewagon's smirk grew.

"_Yes. Bombs. If you set one fingernail on anything you're not allowed to touch, all the bombs will detonate at once. You'll be blown to smithereens before you even realize it!" _Oh yeah! Real comforting.

Dib and Zim shared a look. "And," dared Dib, "what are we not allowed to touch?"

"_You're not allowed to touch anything other than the floor, air, your beds, anything you took with you – though Mecha-Bob searched you, and found nothing dangerous – and each other." _Both Zim and Dib made the worst stink-faces imaginable when Miss Cuddlewagon said 'each other'.

"_Well, now that I have scared the living shit out of you," _said Miss Cuddlewagon, "_I suppose it's time for me to go. Ta-ta!"_ The hologram disappeared and Mecha-Dana hissed at Dib and Zim, before climbing up to the ceiling.

The two were silent for a long time. "Zim," Dib said finally, his voice just loud enough for Zim to head, "do you have anything that I can click over, and over, and over?"


	4. In Which Miss Cuddlewagon Dies

_**Invader Zim © Jhonen Vasquez**_

_**Cuddlewagon and Her Robots © Me**_

_**Chapter Four**_

_**In Which Miss Cuddlewagon Dies**_

As it turned out, Zim did have something that matched Dib's description. Dib eyed the odd object in his hand. It resembled a pen, except it didn't seem to hold any ink and it was lighter than a feather.

"How do I click it?" asked Dib.

Zim shrugged. "Tap the end that doesn't glow, but blow on it first, or it won't make any noise."

"What does it do?"

"What do you think, dim-Dib? It works as a distress signal and a voice alteration device. Though, how could your _puny _human brain comprehend the ingenious inventions of _ZIM?" _the alien said. Dib pressed his index finger to his lips and shushed the Irken, who huffed, as if he was offended, but went quiet.

"Zim, do you understand Morse Code?" asked Dib.

"Does Dib understand Irken?" challenged Zim.

If I wasn't feeling so lazy right now, I'd have made Dib say he liked trains, but I have had far too much of those stupid works while writing 'In Insane'.

"Yes," replied Dib. Zim grinned.

"**Than Zim can understand Morse Code," **Zim said in Irken. Dib blew on the distress signal/voice alteration device, and began tapping it.

"_Zim, how much explosive power would it take to destroy an Irken body?" _asked Dib in More Code.

Zim rolled his eyes. "**Do you honestly think I'd tell you **_**that? **_**Dib-monkey, you are sillier than I thought."**

"_No, Zim, I do not want this information to destroy YOU, I want to know because we could get out of here if your body is indestructible."_

"**How do you expect that to work out, dim-Dib?"**

Ah, yes. The infamous Dreaded Question, which is dreaded throughout the universe. "_Well... this is gonna sound disgusting, but I was thinking that you could shield me with your – er – b-body, and then blow the place down to the ground-"_

Zim interrupted him. "**Dib-stink, how do you know we are not already underground? If we blew this stinky, **_**human **_**room up, we could easily crush ourselves to... what do you pathetic **_**humans **_**call it? Ah, yes. **_**Death," **_Zim said, glaring at Dib, who in turn scrunched his nose in disgust at the alien.

"_It's the air, Zim. It's normal air. Stinky normal air, but normal air all the same. If we were underground, there air would be staler or something, and wouldn't smell like a cesspit and month-old Chinese takeout. Now would you blow up or not if we activated the bombs?" _Dib clicked. Zim stared at the young paranormal investigator.

"**Oh. Right. I knew that. No, Dib-human, I would not blow up. Human bombs aren't quite sophisticated enough to kill me. I'd probably lose a limb, or my Pak would be gittery for a while, but I wouldn't die. Can't say the same for **_**you, **_**though," **explained Zim. Dib was silent for a while.

"_Is there any way we can both get out of this mess alive?" _asked Dib. Zim shrugged.

"**Probably. But why would I tell you?"**

Dib was quiet for the longest time. "_Because, Zim, if you don't..." _Dib's pause was obviously used to make Zim twitchy. "_... I will use my bottled water to make you BURN." _Zim's eyes widened until they looked like dinner plates.

"**Dib would not."**

"_You wanna bet money on that?" _The truth was, Dib didn't have any bottled water with him. Apparently, Miss Cuddlewagon must have considered it a threat to Mecha-Dana and confiscated it, but Zim didn't need to know that.

"**Fine, fine fine fine fine! In Zim's Pak, an extra uniform is stored. Put that on over your actual clothes and Zim will give instructions afterwords." **Dib managed to hide a smirk as he slid off his bed and slunk over to Zim.

Dib chewed his lip as his hand hovered over the red buttons on Zim's Pak. "_Which one to I press?" _asked Dib with Zim's device.

"**The medium-sized one on the upper right," **the Irken grunted in return. Dib pressed the button Zim had directed him to and a hatch on Zim's Pak opened up. Dib had to feel around in the Pak for a moment before finding the extra uniform. Dib pressed the button again and the hatch closed. Quickly, he pulled the uniform on over his clothes. The material was uncomfortable, and Dib wished he could have skipped the gloves and boots because a, the gloves were made for Irkens, who only had three fingers (Dib had five, duh), and b, Zim's feet were a strange shape, and since the boots had been made to for Zim, they felt odd on Dib.

Zim had begun sitting straight, and said to Dib, "**Inside the collar, there's a button. Press it, and you'll get a form of invisible helmet." **Dib did so. The reddish bubble that went around Dib's abnormally large head was visible for mere second, before it disappeared.

"_Now what?" _asked Dib with the device. Zim cleared his throat.

"**Now, dumb-Dib, I am going to slap the wall. Just know this before you star whining at me, the almighty ZIM, though Irken bodies are very durable, being able to withstand almost everything, save for that human thing called 'water', these uniforms were designed specially to withstand bullets, lasers, wind, sand, and temperature storms, and, of course, explosions. Even with all that, Dib-money, Zim doubts you'll come out in one piece, so be warned," **Zim said, pressing the button inside his collar to activate the helmet.

Despite his hatred for Zim, Dib couldn't help but grasp the aliens hand as Mecha-Dana eyed them curiously. Hopefully, the robotic spider couldn't understand Morse Code.

In fact, Macha-Dana _couldn't _understand Morse Code, let alone Irken. That was because Miss Cuddlewagon never saw any reason to learn Morse Code while she was still going to the Academy back in her hometown of Vomitville. She must have been the only student _not _to take Morse Code over French or Spanish. So, down in the room below Dib and Zim's prison, where Miss Cuddlewagon was watching in terror as her hostages neared the wall via computer screen, you can only imagine her befuddlement.

It looked like they were bored to Miss Cuddlewagon. It looked like they were bored to Mecha-Dana. That was, until they began nearing the wall, with the Green Boy's hand outstretched.

"No!" cried Miss Cuddlewagon. She darted over to Mecha-Bob, who was parked on the other half of the room, and leaped into the machine. Next to her, and a cage, was GIR and the squirrel, Adolf. Upon her entering, GIR squealed in delight.

"It's dah Cuddle-woohoo witch woman!" cried GIR. Adolf laughed at Miss Cuddlewagon, but it came out as mindless squirrel noises. "Gonna cast ah spell, Woo-Hoo Witch! You like cuppy-cakes? I LOVE MAH CUPPY-CAKES!"

"Shut _up," _seethed Miss Cuddlewagon, her eyebrows drawn together as she fiddled with controls.

Back in Zim and Dib's prison, Zim touched the wall.

In the basement, Miss Cuddlewagon swore like a sailor.

In the prison, Dib screamed and Zim cursed as the bombs detonated.

In the basement, the ceiling was collapsing. Miss Cuddlewagon slammed her fist against a large red button, and Mecha-Bob began to shoot off the ground, blue fire bursting from the exhaust pipe.

In the prison, Zim and Dib were clinging to each other for dear life as they fell into the floor below, narrowly missing Mecha-Bob as the machine shot into the air, bursting through the roof and showering Zim and Dib with debris.

Zim and Dib fell into the pit of debris, using their limbs to cover their bodies in an effort to soften the blows of the falling rubble.

When Dib risked a peek through his arms, he saw something falling from the sky. It was small, gray, and in it was something green. Something green that was screaming the word 'hallelujah' the entire way down...

The cage holding GIR shattered when it hit the rubble, setting the robot free. GIR, who's dog 'disguise' had been mostly destroyed, save for a few scraps connected by threads, squealed in excitement and danced over to Zim, holding something brown, fuzzy and bleeding in his metal arms.

"Adey Hit-Hit's oozing! He's oozing! He's oozing! I'mma gonna write a SONG 'bout it! _Oh Adey Hit-Hit's oozin', I hope that he's okay, 'cause if he's not, I'll scream a lot, and go out to get booze-in!" _GIR sang, dancing around with Adolf the squirrels dead body.

Dib eyed the dead squirrel sympathetically, but his attention was brought to the sky when Mecha-Bob exploded.

Dib and Zim stared, mouths agape, at the blue and red explosion, while GIR squealed happily and clapped his metallic hands, ignoring the blood that was spewing out of Adolf's body while doing so.

"So," said Dib after a while. "That's it, then? Cuddle-whatever is dead?"

"It certainly seems that way to me, Zim, the almighty Irken invader," Zim said, grabbing GIR and heaving the robot over his shoulder.

Dib smirked at Zim. Zim glared at Dib.

"The uniform," demanded Zim, holding his hand out in a 'gimme' gesture. "Zim wants it back." Dib's smirk grew, and the paranormal investigator darted away from Zim. The aliens mouth opened, but once he found himself, he dropped GIR, and began running after Dib on the spider-like legs that came from his Pak.

"Come back here, Dib-stink! You have stolen the property of ZIM, the universes most cunning and terrifying IRKEN INVADER! GIVE ME MY STUFF, I WANT MY STUFF!" Zim swore in Irken, and continued chasing Dib, who was laughing in triumph. GIR, of course, assumed they were playing tag and dropped the dead Adolf to begin chasing after Zim.

The sun was going down, and the trio found themselves running over mounds of garbage. That must have been why their prison smelled so bad. They were located in a garbage dump.

But how Zim got his spare uniform back and why Miss Cuddlewagon set up their prison in a garbage dump is something that I am too lazy to write about.

Au revior, my dear lemmings!

_**Fin**_


	5. Not Really Dead

_**Epilogue**_

_**Not Really Dead**_

You are probably thinking, 'Thank goodness that Cuddle-whatnot bitch is dead!' or something along those lines.

Well, I hate to burst your little bubble-thing, but Miss Cuddlewagon is very much alive. Shall we see what she is doing now?

Cuddlwagon stumbled out of the escape pod she'd used just before she had Mecha-Bob self-destruct. She hoped those brats were fooled.

Cuddlewagon didn't know why she'd chosen to go back to Vomitville. Perhaps it was because she knew the little seaside town so well? Maybe it was all the bars, where she could drink away her hatred for those... those Zim and Dib jerks! Cuddlewagon sighed and rubbed her forehead as she limped across the beach, ignoring the large, headache-inducing, seizure-giving pirate ship known as _The Irritation. _

Cuddlewagon, for once, was glad to see her old neighbors house go up in flames because of said neighbor forgetting to turn off the stove. Again.

As she half-stomped, half-limped over to her old house, she watched other townsfolk chat with each other, used to Filius Twelve's house catching on fire every morning. She sighed. They weren't concerned by the house catching on fire, yet they would be having heart attacks if it didn't. Average Vomitville citizen, for you.

As she stumbled into her lawn, she was stopped by Filius Twelve, the unspeakably forgetful time-traveling detective. "Hi, Ella," said Filius happily, his brown eyes dancing in delight as he adjusted his goggles. "You haven't been about in a while!"

"Your house is on fire again," snapped Cuddlewagon. She really couldn't stand children, even if they had been immortal for two hundred fifty-six years. Filius' eyebrows rose, and he craned his neck to see the fiery disaster that was his house.

"My word, so it is! Thank you for remind-" He stopped mid-sentence. "Is that a new haircut? I don't like it very much. You need a bath. Bye!" Filius skipped away, forgetting, again, that his house was aflame.

Cuddlewagon scowled and entered her house, where, to her dismay, the phone rang.

"For the love of Jesus' dick!" cried Cuddlewagon. All she wanted was a nap, a bath, and a large quantity of food! Despite herself, Cuddlewagon answered the phone.

"Cuddlewagon here, what do you want?" snapped Cuddlewagon. She could practically hear the person on the other end grin.

"_What, can't give a lifelong friend a kind greeting?" _asked a voice she knew all-too-well.

"Shut the front door, Pleasant, I just experienced the worst day of my life, and that includes the day I met you, skull-for-brains," growled Cuddlewagon. "And we've only known each other for sixteen years."

The caller, Pleasant, chuckled.

"_You flatter me, Ella. Hey, I'll get to the point: Me and my buddies need something more that magic to solve a little case we're working on-"_

"Oh, please, Skulduggery, since when do you work with 'little cases'?" interrupted Cuddlewagon.

"_How are your robots?" _asked Skulduggery Pleasant.

Cuddlewagon snorted. "Mecha-Dana was crushed by rubble and Mecha-Bon had to self-destruct. They were destroyed within an hour – no, thirty minutes – of each other. Less that twenty-four hours ago," explained Cuddlewagon.

"_Wow," _said Skulduggery. "_What have you been doing?"_

"Substitute teaching."

"_You've wowed me again. School certainly has changed since I've been. What else blew up?"_

"My garage, so don't ask me to reconstruct them for you any time soon," snapped Cuddlewagon.

"_Can you reconstruct them for me any time soon?"_

"No."

"_When will they be ready for use?"_

"If I work all day and all night without taking any breaks?" asked Cuddlewagon. "About two weeks, if I'm given help, and I rebuild them smaller."

"_Excellent," _said Skulduggery. Before Cuddlewagon could respond, the Skeleton Detective hung up.

**A.N./**

**Vomitville is the town I made up where all of my OC's are stored. **_**The Irritation **_**is the ship belonging to my OC, Alexis the Annoying.**

**Skulduggery Pleasant is not an OC of mine.**

**Skulduggery Pleasant © Derek Landy.**

**Cuddlewagon, Vomitville, **_**The Irritation, **_**Mecha-Bob, Mecha-Dana, Filius Twelve © Me.**


End file.
